One Hundred

It has been 100 days since my move back to Northern Ireland, 3 months, 1 week and today.  The last 14 weeks have been, well it is impossible to describe how it has been in any singular way.  It has been paradoxical.  I have all at once felt happy and sad while time has seemingly past so fast and so slow.  I have been one thing and at the same time the other, and most ironically I don’t feel confused about it.  I have been reconnecting with old friends for the most part and making some new ones along the way. Stag-Dos, Weddings, more Stag-Dos more weddings, Birthdays, Reunions and Games nights it’s been a carpet bombing of emotions.  The craic has been epic I am blessed to have been part of it all.  I keep hearing from people that it’s like I have never been away, most recently from my old University friends what I have not seen since long before moving away.  I have been wondering what that means, is it that I haven’t changed or is it that what I mean to them is still the same.  I would like to think I have changed, I would like to think I have grown over the years.  Looking back on myself I notice a change in attitude, I won’t say better or worse because that’s not the point.  I have never felt that there was anything fundamentally wrong with me that I needed to change.  I embrace my character flaws and accept them for what they are as much as my virtues I may have.  So maybe it’s that I am still that same person at heart, that friend who they left many years ago and who has come back into their life with the warmth of friendship.  Maybe it’s the friendship that has stayed the same, untarnished by time and distance.  That in the heart somewhere we never really left each other.

It is a nice thought, and one that I hold onto dearly in times of despair because those times do come.  I would have thought by this stage they would have been less frequent than in the beginning but it has not been so.  In fact sometimes I think it’s the opposite.  I play act at being happy for the most part, I don’t mean it’s a show or that I am putting on a fake smile, but it does sometimes feel I am playing the part when I am around people. For as happy as I can be and sometimes do genuinely feel, underneath it all I still feel so very lost, like my compass needles spinning. I am not sure how to describe how I feel, I don’t know if there is any name for the emotion. I feel like I just don’t belong anywhere.  It is like I am a guest star in a show that can go on quite easily without my performance.  I don’t feel unwanted, it is more so unneeded.  Edinburgh is still a very big part of my thoughts, I guess it will be for some time to come. It is mostly when I am alone and when the world goes quiet that my thoughts fall towards that city and all therein. It feels like everything I had still exists over there, I am just no longer a part of it.  Edinburgh is like this world all on its own filled with the memories of a life once lived, a place so close but at the same time impossible to get to.  I have accepted the reality of what now is, I am just not fining any peace in it.  I miss it, and more than anything I want to know if it misses me.  If anything the last 100 days has shown me it’s been.  No matter how much you are in love with someone, it can still slip through your fingers like water and there is nothing you can do to stop it.  “There is love of course. And then there’s life, its enemy.” ― Jean Anouilh

I have kept this off Facebook, Twitter and google +.  I want to get to a stage on here where this will be like an open journal but I am not quite there yet.  Like the last post I done before leaving Edinburgh, this touches on a few things that I just feel more comfortable having for those who do follow me rather than just glance at a post.  Ill get more confident with opening up in time.


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