Three Hundred and Sixty Five days including today since I moved back to Northern Ireland. This date last year I moved from Edinburgh and began the count a new to separate the time spent there to what would be happing now I’m here. It seemed a good thing at the time but I always had it in the back of my mind that I would be forever counting away from a moment in my life that was incredibly hard and sad to go through.
I haven’t really admitted to many people that there has not been a single day in all of those 365 that have past that I haven’t thought at least once for a fleeting moment about the 664 that preceded it. It isn’t about holding onto the past it’s just that some things you can miss when they are gone and others are so tangled up with you are that losing them means tearing off a piece of yourself right along with them. You can feel it in your bones like an ache that never truly goes away. I miss my little Edgar beyond words, and for the longest of times couldn’t bear to think of or face the truth that he is no longer in my life anymore. I held on to the fact of how well taken care of, happy and loved he was, which sill to this day is my only solace. Nothing was takin from me it was a decision that just had to be made, made in the best interest of a little soul we both loved beyond measure. I always knew that there would be no words to describe, that there would be no forgetting, that there would be no moving on or making it better. I knew that it would be something that’s there every day, something I would just have just got used to and something that I could never make anyone understand. We may never fully understand what it was or why things happen as they do, that is the essence of life. Sometimes you go through things that seem huge at the time and while there happening they feel like the only thing that matters and you can’t imagine a world out there having anything else going on. Then it passes, then it moves on, you move on, you find that as time passes, you remember it less and less, and you are left only with a powerful wonder at the fleeting nature of even the most important things in life.
I always hated change, still do in many ways, I have a nostalgic soul forever smiling at the past and cherishing those memory’s good and bad that have shaped my life to what it is now. However that isn’t to say that I believe the best isn’t still yet to come. I have so much to be thankful for, to be happy about in my life and I know that there is so much more than this to come. My family and friends who are eternally supportive and loving, mean more to me than any poet could describe. I believe we are shaped and influenced by the people who we surround ourselves with that they make up who we are and my friends are the best parts of me. Collectively and each on their own, I believe I am made a better person by having them in my life and to that intimate inner circle you are my family.
The decision to move stop or change this count of days still hangs in the balance, I had planned on officially scrapping this today but now I have come to it I don’t know if I want to. I thought at the beginning of this I wanted to take a direct step away from something I felt I was holding onto or even couldn’t let go of. The reality is we don’t need to hold on to the past it’s always and forever going to be there. I do enjoy marking the passage of time though, and I guess that’s what life is, a series of moments linked together in an ever changing colourful tapestry of memory’s and if the past is what creates us then the future is what we create.